the general pattern of my schooling is that my quarters tend to get increasingly more ridiculous. it's funny how every quarter i just tell myself to push through and make it to the end of finals, because next quarter isn't going to be this crazy. and then the next quarter, as a matter of fact, is even crazier than the previous one. and so i continuously work, writing endless papers, memorizing hundreds of images, researching until my eyes burn from staring at a computer screen for too long and my body aches from hunching over old, heavy books that no one's checked out in ages. the joys of college.
no one reads this blog. my being somewhat anti-social and terribly inconsistent when it comes to posting makes for a sad combination which results in an unread blog. but we write for no one but ourselves... unless you're j.k. rowling.
honestly, i don't know why i feel compelled to write something. i should be writing my paper for my medieval english literature class (beowulf? sir gawain and the green knight? WTF?), but considering it only has to be 3 pages, i theoretically need about an hour and a half to throw together a decent paper. whatever. obviously i just don't want to write my paper. do i ever?
so going back to my previous post from a year ago...how quickly and suddenly things have changed. but how strangely things have stayed the same. my position in life...my take on life...underwent a serious period of reconstruction, courtesy of God. but my obsession with exploring the dichotomy of my interests in the common and the obscure...the same. somewhat narrow-mindedness? check. love for combining long-winded and overly descriptive sentences with short ones? present. and i'm still a smart-ass.
the real point of this post is that i'm perpetually tired and wrought with the feeling that my life is going a million miles per hour without my consent, but i'm learning. it's not so much that my life is spiraling out of my control (because it's my constant struggle with letting go of things and leaving them to God that got me into this mess in the first place), but that i can see where things are going - it's all just happening at an alarmingly rapid pace, and i can't decide whether i like it or not.
the past year has basically been about going forward, always moving towards some goal (graduation? employment? success?) or some destination, with reckless abandon for the past because, simply put, i'm short on time. my days are packed with school and internships and everything else i set myself up to do (maybe not as packed since i'm taking the time to try and organize my messy brain), and i barely get time to breathe and eat, much less think about whatever the hell happened before that very minute. it's always go, go, go. but why not stay? or further, what's wrong with going back?
the answer: NOTHING. there is nothing wrong with finding peace in the present. there is nothing wrong with reaching into the depths of your mind and pulling up those file folders cataloging the events collectively known as your entire life. the danger is in getting stuck, and i think i'm too afraid of getting stuck to let myself relax into one state of my life. but for everyone: this whole looking at the past business is a pretty common thing. most academic disciplines embrace it. the Bible, as it is a living document that draws upon the past to provide guidance for the future, also embraces it. i'm just swimming against the current, as usual, because...i'm much more comfortable with new. new doesn't let you get stuck. unless you get stuck in trying to discover newness. i don't know. i never make any sense.
i recently told a friend that i've been feeling extra existentialist these days. all these things are happening, and yet i feel like i'm not apart of any of it. the feelings of disconnect coupled with forced participation make for a very confused patty. my life is full of binaries.
the only thing tethering me to reality is waking up in the morning and wondering, "what is God going to do in my life today?" it keeps me in check. it keeps me from straying too far from some semblance of order and sanity. it keeps me from getting too ahead of myself. and it constantly reminds me that the preponderance of God's continual work in my life for the greater good of His plan for my future supersedes whatever lofty aspirations i conjure up in my own mind.
what has He done for you lately?
