shameful, shameful posting

HOW has it been a year since i last wrote anything? it's the always, "i'm going to be consistent" but it never works out the way i intend it to thing. sigh. but!!! as i reiterate: considering practically NO ONE reads this, i've now found a cute little way to keep track of myself at least once a year, writing as freely as i'll ever write anything. yay for unintentional wonders.

strange how i only remember myself clearly by reading things i wrote in the past. i have a freakishly good memory - really, i do. most of the people that know me really well know this; i have a knack for remembering people (faces, names, the clothes they were wearing) years and years after i first met them, even if i only met or saw them once for like two seconds. totally involuntary selective memory. to the extent that i'll maybe meet someone i saw once at another place/time, and i'll remember exactly where i saw them and what they were wearing and who they were talking to and maybe what they were talking about even, but i don't want to freak them out so i'll go through the motions of pretending they're only sort of familiar and ask them customarily appropriate small-talk questions because that's the normal thing to do. but i can only remember me through the voice that comes through my writings. pitfalls of my memory.

again, off on tangents. that will probably never change. one year ago, i was in school. a "senior," even though i will say that i never had a "senior" year because i sort of plowed through school without really thinking about doing all the funstuff that constitutes a senior year. whatever. story of my life. but it was only a year ago when i was a student, complete with 24+ units a quarter, two internships, law & society journal, home every weekend and teaching high school bible study. i've scaled back my life significantly since then. no school. sporadic studying of lsat's (to humor my parents). even more sporadic studying of gre's (just in case...). WORK! more work. in the span of one year, i survived undergrad, found a job, found yet another job, and sort of kind of moved churches (this last one is still a work-in-progress...what else is new?).

i think i made a resolution to myself, to try and take a break at least once before launching into the next phase of my life. i only learned towards the end of college the importance of rest, recharging, spending time on your own with nothing to do, no one to see (john mayer anyone?).

clearly, i failed. not that i think i'm a failure. i'm somewhat satisfied with the way things have turned out, but i can't help but feel as though i'm still waiting for that one thing to push me in the right direction. life is an endless waiting game. how i make great efforts at being active while sitting, waiting, wishing (jack johnson! i'm on a roll today...and "unencumbered words..." two cookies for anyone who knows where i got this from - why am i phrasing this as if somebody is reading? stupid me - hint: first name rhymes with grayson...) for my rocket to come (couldn't help it!). don't know why (fudge, totally unintentional. thanks norah jones) i'm waiting when there's plenty going on in my life...really, what the hell else could possibly happen (famous last words)? lots and lots and lots of things can happen.

the longer out of school i am (but really, i've only been out of school for 8ish months), the more and more i feel as though i'm losing what little eloquence i had. writing ten papers per quarter to writing nothing at all (nothing formal, anyway), might be affecting me more adversely than i would have thought, but...dare i say it? i miss writing papers. specifically my art history papers. more specifically, my crazy dense, meat-and-potatoes, no way to BS your way through this because your professor is sharper than a knife and he will cut you if you try to fake things with him, insanely time-consuming but equally rewarding medieval architectural history papers. i may never go back to school for it (will probably never go back to school for it, though if i'm honest with myself i'd like nothing more than to spend my days poring through old dusty books no one's cracked open in years), but i will forevermore be a medieval architectural history nerd. someone take me to france and england and germany so i can toil (i'm not exactly the toiling type) away looking at old churches for the better part of my life. please. i hated and loved those papers, because they made my brain hurt and they gave me ulcers (i exaggerate) and made me feel incredibly inadequate and overwhelmed but simultaneously determined to succeed and stick it to my professor who just laughed at me all day. i love extremes. that much is obvious.

also, i feel old these days. my thoughts are still all over the place as they usually are, and my attempts at reigning them in only make me even more confused because i really don't know what's going on in my head. never do, probably never will, and so should expect that no one else will ever be able to sort them out (i find myself truly intolerable sometimes) - but all these things i will turn to God, because i'll always be getting older, i'll always be changing, i'll always be thinking about a million things all at once and taking off in all sorts of directions much sooner than i should, but He will always be steadfast and constant and i can count on God to keep me in check and keep me grounded. i'm learning to really, really, really try to put everything i have in God's hands - to love and rely on God until my life feels like it'll burst if i don't. being out of school (seriously, i talk as though i graduated years ago) has given me the sort of perspective that i don't think i personally could have had while i was in school, because i'm also realizing that when i was in school, the things i thought mattered didn't, and the things i never thought about i should have paid more attention to.

and also, in light of all the crazy things going on this world (earthquakes, social revolution, overall physical, political, emotional, spiritual disarray), i've come to see how fragile the world is. humans are inherently interesting people (as much as i say i hate people, i secretly love people - finding them intolerant at times is not the same as finding them hateful) (i talk as if i'm not a person), and while it's true that i think everyone serves as some sort of significance in the world...otherwise so many of us wouldn't exist at the same time...it's fascinating to consider and realize that we're all living in this tenuous state of being. in church today, i heard multiple times of watching some footage from the natural disaster in japan, and how frightening it was to see someone's house just getting swept away by the waves; everything you've worked for in your entire life, gone in just one second. i can't even begin to fathom what it feels like to be in that situation, but it really sheds light on how, if i was at the end of the world as i know it, i would evaluate the things i've done and accomplished, things i've acquired and won, things i've lost and recovered, and further what i would consider meaningful or at the opposite end of the spectrum, useless.

just to wrap this up because i've been wordy and long-winded as usual, is my earlier thoughts about waiting, and that connection to feeling as though there's something else or something more coming my way. maybe that translates to dissatisfaction? wanting something more than what i have? dangerous, dangerous territory. i'm going to take the stand and put it in writing that the only thing i'll ever feel as though i don't have enough of is God. when all is said and done, there's nothing in the world that can satisfy in the way i've experienced the contentment and peace that only God can give...and that's all there is to it. if somewhere down the line i forget this and lose myself in whatever situation i get myself into (highly likely), i hope i'm still writing to myself on at least an annual basis (this blog will live as long as the Internet lives...meaning it will live forever!) so that i can read my way back to the way i was and remember what truly matters in my life.

on that note...i need a drink.

horrible

it's been almost a YEAR since i last posted something. yay me.

the general pattern of my schooling is that my quarters tend to get increasingly more ridiculous. it's funny how every quarter i just tell myself to push through and make it to the end of finals, because next quarter isn't going to be this crazy. and then the next quarter, as a matter of fact, is even crazier than the previous one. and so i continuously work, writing endless papers, memorizing hundreds of images, researching until my eyes burn from staring at a computer screen for too long and my body aches from hunching over old, heavy books that no one's checked out in ages. the joys of college.

no one reads this blog. my being somewhat anti-social and terribly inconsistent when it comes to posting makes for a sad combination which results in an unread blog. but we write for no one but ourselves... unless you're j.k. rowling.

honestly, i don't know why i feel compelled to write something. i should be writing my paper for my medieval english literature class (beowulf? sir gawain and the green knight? WTF?), but considering it only has to be 3 pages, i theoretically need about an hour and a half to throw together a decent paper. whatever. obviously i just don't want to write my paper. do i ever?

so going back to my previous post from a year ago...how quickly and suddenly things have changed. but how strangely things have stayed the same. my position in life...my take on life...underwent a serious period of reconstruction, courtesy of God. but my obsession with exploring the dichotomy of my interests in the common and the obscure...the same. somewhat narrow-mindedness? check. love for combining long-winded and overly descriptive sentences with short ones? present. and i'm still a smart-ass.

the real point of this post is that i'm perpetually tired and wrought with the feeling that my life is going a million miles per hour without my consent, but i'm learning. it's not so much that my life is spiraling out of my control (because it's my constant struggle with letting go of things and leaving them to God that got me into this mess in the first place), but that i can see where things are going - it's all just happening at an alarmingly rapid pace, and i can't decide whether i like it or not.

the past year has basically been about going forward, always moving towards some goal (graduation? employment? success?) or some destination, with reckless abandon for the past because, simply put, i'm short on time. my days are packed with school and internships and everything else i set myself up to do (maybe not as packed since i'm taking the time to try and organize my messy brain), and i barely get time to breathe and eat, much less think about whatever the hell happened before that very minute. it's always go, go, go. but why not stay? or further, what's wrong with going back?

the answer: NOTHING. there is nothing wrong with finding peace in the present. there is nothing wrong with reaching into the depths of your mind and pulling up those file folders cataloging the events collectively known as your entire life. the danger is in getting stuck, and i think i'm too afraid of getting stuck to let myself relax into one state of my life. but for everyone: this whole looking at the past business is a pretty common thing. most academic disciplines embrace it. the Bible, as it is a living document that draws upon the past to provide guidance for the future, also embraces it. i'm just swimming against the current, as usual, because...i'm much more comfortable with new. new doesn't let you get stuck. unless you get stuck in trying to discover newness. i don't know. i never make any sense.

i recently told a friend that i've been feeling extra existentialist these days. all these things are happening, and yet i feel like i'm not apart of any of it. the feelings of disconnect coupled with forced participation make for a very confused patty. my life is full of binaries.

the only thing tethering me to reality is waking up in the morning and wondering, "what is God going to do in my life today?" it keeps me in check. it keeps me from straying too far from some semblance of order and sanity. it keeps me from getting too ahead of myself. and it constantly reminds me that the preponderance of God's continual work in my life for the greater good of His plan for my future supersedes whatever lofty aspirations i conjure up in my own mind.

what has He done for you lately?

inspiration, inconsistency, and SUMMER

it's the sunday night before finals week.

except i don't have any finals, so it's officially the start of my first week of summer vacation. and it couldn't have come at a better time. i'm so spent it's ridiculous. but i must say that despite all of the madness and complaining that i've been doing about my schoolwork (i can't help it...i'm a perpetual complainer...), i'm truly grateful for this past school year. it hasn't been long enough since i've ended to be reflective (i think there needs to be a certain allotment of time in order to really get a sense of the things that i've learned), but i know that it's been a huge year of falling, learning, and getting back up only to repeat the process all over again.

anyway, i'm feeling inspired. hence the update. and also the realization of inconsistency. i write in a journal almost every day. but i completely FAIL when it comes to updating my blog. freaking angela always tells me that i should update my blog but for some reason just can't remember to do it. i don't think i'm profound enough to regularly update my blog.

i've come to see that life is beautiful. beauty is everywhere. i've been obsessed with a lot of things these days. airto (some random youtube singer. his covers are so, so good). philippians. furniture. sondre lerche, chrisette michele, jazmine sullivan. so you think you can dance (BEST show on TV right now). but mostly photography. i suck at it, but i love looking at it. the concept of photography is just crazy to me...paintings are pretty crazy too, just because of the sheer skill certain artists have to be able to make the connection between what's in their heads and how they represent it on the canvas, but it's just different. photography is so real.

there's a painted portrait, which can be painted as realistically as possible, but what we see is pure interpretation from the eyes of the artist who painted it. that's the whole point. if there was no interpretation, there'd be no intent, and then it would just be a bunch of chemicals thrown onto a blank board. but then there's a photographical portrait. there's definitely a certain degree of interpretation there too, what with the technical adjustments a photographer can make with lighting, focus, angles, etc..., but you can't manipulate the actual being of a person. the subject's eyes, mouth, nose, bone structure, hair, and feelings are all his or her own. looking at photographs of people is like looking at someone who never passed away. i don't think i'm explaining this very well, but it makes sense to me. tristan tzara (dadaist, writer, poet, wackiness personified) said something along the lines of how writing is meant for no one but the one writing it. i think this is very true.

anyway, i've been most obsessed with julia margaret cameron. victorian era photographer. she lived over 100 years ago, but the photographs could have been taken yesterday. her work is absolutely nuts.

SUMMER is here. i have work galore, but i'm excited for my first real job. i'm either going to love gallery work, or hate it immensely, i think.

maybe i'll take language classes this summer. just maybe. i want to learn french, italian, japanese, chinese, brush up on my spanish, refine my korean. all of that plus english, and i'd be septa-lingual :)

and i'm going to attempt to read the bible in its entirety over the summer. that gives me approximately 3 and a half months to finish the whole thing. plus i'm going to try and make a bigger dent in the randomhouse list of the 100 best modern books. i think i've read like 30 on that list.

and finally, my illusionist. finding paris. unlock those mysteries, and therein lies the key to my entire mind.

i don't think i've fully recovered from my sleep-deprived quarter quite yet.

making the pieces fit

i have a paper due tomorrow.

now, with that said, i've had a crazy few weeks. crazy few months, maybe, but everything's been coming together for me in the past few weeks, so i felt compelled to write something despite that nagging feeling of paper writing eating away at my good-student-conscience.

there are a few things i need to get off my chest.

1) God is so, so, so GOOD. it's amazing. it's the little things that make me realize just how NOT in control i am, and how sovereign and powerful He is. in the past few months, He laid out a plan for my majors/future, opened my mind to things i never even thought about before, settled my heart, and made me secure in Him and His unfailingness. i always wondered why i didn't really stress, even though i've had plenty of things to absolutely go crazy about. i just thought it was apathy, or indifference. but apathy and indifference are synonymous with lacking care or passion for the things that i do, and by no means did i NOT care about the stuff i did. weird.

a.  i just got into one of my classes that i needed to stay on track at seriously the last minute. i'm so happy and so relieved. my TA (who's totally cute, by the way) told me that i must be pretty darn lucky, cause 40 people were trying to crash a class of capacity 38, and that this is the last week to add, and that he was almost sure that no one was going to drop during week 3.

b. my classes end up complementing each other like you wouldn't believe. last quarter was victorian everything, because i took a class on victorian art and architecture AND another on british fiction, and the content for both classes overlapped like crazy. the same things were happening at the same time, so it made things so much easier for me to learn and WANT to learn. i thought this quarter was going to be completely different, because all my classes are pretty random and i added a lot at the last minute. but i have two classes, a seminar on the poetry of alexander pope and a lecture class on the topic of post-humanism. they seemed to be unrelated, but i came across a poem by pope called "eloisa and abelard," and line 209 served as the title for the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," which is part of the curriculum of my post-humanism class. weird. i love when my classes are relevant to each other. makes my job easier and more interesting. i think God knows that i'm more motivated to do work when it's fun. thanks.

2) memories. i have a freakishly good memory. i was reading their eyes were watching God, by zora neale hurston, and she opened up her novel with these words: "Now, women forget all those things they don't want to remember, and remember everything they don't want to forget. The dream is the truth. Then they act and do things accordingly." interesting, right? and if you've seen "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind," and read "eloisa and abelard," you'd be tripping out as much as i am about the concept of memory. i read an article for my post-humanism class about a memory-erasing pill for victims of traumatic incidents, or those suffering from PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), and how the "drug" would be beneficial for people who have a hard time coping with the things they've seen or experienced. imagine what would happen if this thing were to get out on the market. i seriously got the chills thinking about it.

a. i don't know about anyone else, but i personally wouldn't want to erase any of my memories. the ability to remember, and connect to those memories and the emotions they invoke so vividly even after a lot of time has passed is intrinsically human. more than that, memories make us who we are. we are products of the things that happened every second of every minute before our current state of being. take that away, and all you're left with is a body going through the motions. no past, numb present, questionable future. 

b. and if there was something so traumatic and so haunting that i'd get nightmares or burst into tears every time i thought about it or remembered it....i don't know if i'd want to erase something powerful enough to make me feel. masochistic? maybe. i think we're all a little masochistic sometimes.

3) i should really be working on my paper instead of writing this nonsense.

4) this is going to be a busy, busy quarter. summer plans are up in the air, but i'm trusting that God will make things more definite for me. and next school year? ridiculous. but i'm a teensy bit excited for all the things to come.

5) there really isn't a point in #5. i just don't like even numbers. (:

a. i really like lists.

consistency

it's finals week

i've had a whole quarter of victorian art, architecture, and literature

enough of this. my classes are going to be all over the place next quarter. i look forward to it.

i think i'm going to try for consistency from now on and update this regularly, but...

whatever happens.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."

Psalm 62:1-2

spring break and uninterrupted rest are calling my name.

sophomore slump??

fall '08 is just flying by.
i can't believe week 5 is already coming to a close. one more month and then it's finals! eek.

it's been so hard to keep a level head amidst all my schoolwork and other responsibilities, but i think morning devos are probably the only things that keep me sane.

these days i've just been turning to the lovely little jem of a book called...Ephesians! i think it's amazing, uplifting, encouraging...a real source of strength and a reminder of everything that i've been striving to do this year: to depend upon God and ask Him to work in me, to show love to people, to imitate Christ...and i think it's all working out well, or i hope it is.

i'm learning three things...

#1: prioritizing. it's so easy to get caught up in schoolwork, but it's also just as easy to avoid schoolwork & do things that just waste time and have little to no intrinsic value. and then where does God fit in in all of this? i would have to say that...God is #1. i am a christian. i firmly believe that if you are right with God, all things will fall into place. i learned that over summer through ghana and i think i'm re-discovering that. with that said, if God is #1, i would say that school is #2. kcm is #3, maybe? it is a priority, no doubt, but most definitely not #1, cause i think that my personal relationship with God and my responsibilites as a member of servant team are different entities. or maybe not. as a christian i'm called to serve, and kcm is the way i formally serve. then again, there are other ways to serve and not formally give it a title. i don't know. i'm still working on this.

#2: the power of prayer. sounds cliche, right? but there's so much strength in prayer. i'm learning to abandon conventional prayer...the thing where you close your eyes and bow your head and put your hands together. for a long time i thought that THAT was the only real way to pray. now...i pray at odd hours of the day. or maybe it's not praying, but i spend time with God. just talking to Him, seeking Him....whenever i can. it was weird at first, but i feel like my relationship with God is growing that much more because now i'm figuring out how to talk and listen to Him in all aspects of my life. my favorite time to talk to God would be when i'm driving back and forth between school and home. the drive is about an hour and a half, on average (sometimes 2 hours if there's traffic...stupid 101...stupid valley). and a lot of the time, i just talk to God and spend time with Him that way. it keeps me alert, and it allows me to talk to God without feeling like i have to be so formal or proper with Him. i can let out my frustrations, my worries, my contentments, my joy...it's extremely effective. i encourage everyone to try it. really...God is listening. and He's not afraid to show that He's listening, if i'm willing to listen to Him as well.

#3: self-preservation is not conducive to outreach. i've always been into self-preservation, mainly because i like the idea of nothing being able to affect me if i don't let it affect me. i suppose that kind of makes me a control freak. but outreach is not about protecting yourself and saving yourself from disappointment, or avoiding situations that might turn out to be negative. outreach entails just what its title indicates: reaching out of the ministry. i've never felt so inadequate in my entire life, but i think this self-preservation thing is holding me back. i'm naturally just a very careful person, but maybe i need a little recklessness to be able to fulfill my position as outreach in kcm because that's how we're supposed to worship- with reckless abandon. this is also a work in progress.

"I can do everything through Him who gives me strength."

(ahahah i love philippians too, but i'll save that for another time :D)

mission: incomplete

Ghana was...amazing.
i miss African babies.
God truly is good.